


TOO GOOD

by artificialmac



Series: Blue Neighborhood [10]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Lesbian AU, Plans For The Future, cis girl au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:00:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27093208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialmac/pseuds/artificialmac
Summary: Jan and Jackie talk about their respective futures as well as the events of the past few months and try to figure out what comes next.
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Jackie Cox, Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: Blue Neighborhood [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1708849
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	TOO GOOD

**Author's Note:**

> All my love and thanks to Alex for betaing. She's a star and I adore her.
> 
> All my love to you all for continuing to read this story. I appreciate you so much more than you know. <3

Jackie breathed in and out slowly in an attempt to slow her racing heart. The cups of coffee in her hand were still so ridiculously hot that they burned a ring into the skin of her palm, but the uncomfortable feeling and the biting chill of the night air kept her mind clear. 

For that she was grateful. 

Not a second after she had knocked, the familiar red oak door swung open, revealing a frazzled looking Jan. She looked beautiful despite her evident stress, and Jackie would have told her as much if she were braver.

“Good evening, Miss Homecoming Royalty,” Jackie grinned, chipper as ever, even with it being nearly midnight. 

Jan huffed and rolled her eyes, clearly not in the mood for teasing, but as her gaze fell onto the matching cups in Jackie’s hands, her eyes lit up and she made a grab for the coffee. 

Jackie’s arm darted away from Jan’s eager grasp and she shook her head mockingly. “Uh un, what do you say?” she prompted, barely able to suppress a grin.

Jan crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. If Jackie were a stronger woman she wouldn’t have found it as adorable as it was. 

The older girl sighed. “This is the part where you say ‘thank you, Jackie, you’re the light of my life and I couldn’t do any of this without you.’”

Jan rolled her eyes once more. “I swear to god,” she cursed under her breath.

“Close enough,” Jackie chuckled, finally offering the drink to Jan with an outstretched hand.

Jan grabbed it swiftly like she was prepared for Jackie to whisk it away again. The older girl just laughed at her as the two made their way up the stairs to Jan’s room. Pristine and purple as always, Jackie swore the place was cleaner than a hospital with how often Jan vacuumed, the plush shag carpet sending sparks of familiarity and comfort up Jackie’s legs and settling in her spine.

The two girls threw themselves on the bed and began the arduous process of pulling out their various materials.

College applications were due in a week and with all the shit that had been going on in both their lives, they had conveniently put off writing their essays, or in Jan’s case, writing her essays _and_ recording her audition tapes. Jan, having realized this, had called Jackie immediately and demanded that they get together and finish everything _right the fuck now_. Jackie, having been half asleep and not in her right mind, agreed, because it was Jan, and she never could say no to Jan. 

Now, the girls exhaled, throwing their stacks of papers around the room and staring blankly at their computer screens, racking their brains for that perfect string of words that would determine the course of their lives.

After about thirty minutes of this mindless staring, Jan sighed and threw herself back onto her plush comforter, trying and failing not to find it comfortable.

“What the hell do they mean where do I want to be in ten years?” She groaned. “Employed. What the hell else?”

Jackie raised a singular brow, judgment clear in her words.“Is that _really_ UCLA’s essay topic? Yikes.”

Jan sat up and fixed her with a squint. “Well, what was Smith’s?”

“Most influential person in your life.”

“That’s sooooooo basic,” Jan drawled, rolling her eyes pointedly.

Jackie leaned over the mountain of pillows and made to poke at Jan playfully. The younger girl gave a dramatic shriek and began burying herself under the mass of pillows in an effort to escape. Jackie let her go after a moment, finding Jan far too cute and far too close. 

The proximity, even after all these years, never failed to make her head spin.

“At least they didn’t ask a minimum wage job interview question,” she quickly recovered.

Jan scoffed and batted Jackie’s hands away. “I think you’re just saying that cause you don’t want me going so far away.”

Jackie couldn’t hide the way her heart sank in her chest at the comment, but she’d be damned if she didn’t try to conceal it with an eye roll. “Whatever. Like you won’t get into whatever school you apply to.”

Jan groaned again, turning her face against a pillow so she could meet Jackie’s eyes. “Juilliard has an 8% acceptance rate.”

“And NYU?”

“20%”

Jackie shrugged. “And what about it? You’re more talented than every one of those other bitches and you know it.”

Jan sighed, letting her eyes fall down to the bed beneath them, fingers tracing aimless patterns into the worn blanket.“I dunno, Jacks. Lately I’ve been wondering if I even wanna do music.”

“Are you serious?” Jackie asked incredulously. 

The thought that Jan, the girl with musical notes for blood cells, wasn’t sure about her future was… alarming to say the least.

If anybody should be comfortable picking a path in life, she should.

Student body president, Homecoming Royalty, captain of the cheer team, soccer star, salutatorian. She was the perfect addition to any collegiate program.

Although Jackie supposed it made sense. Jan had been so driven, had worked so hard for so long that she had barely had time to breathe let alone think for herself. Always so concerned with what came next. 

Freedom must seem like the scariest thing imaginable. 

“Is this because of what happened at your audition last month?” Jackie pressed, still unable to fully wrap her mind around what she was hearing.

“No? Well, yes.” She sighed once more. “I dunno. I just don’t know if that’s my… thing. You know? Like for the rest of my life...” Jan trailed off.

Jackie nodded. She did know.

Just because she was happy with her chosen track didn’t mean she was sure of it. 

But she had been in a similar position not too long ago when she had come out to her less than enthusiastic parents. Jackie had defined herself by her family and the rules of her culture since the day she could comprehend them. 

It was scary, feeling so untethered. 

The only reason she had gotten through it was the knowledge that she would get to escape one day. That college would come and she could be free from all the expectations and the pressure and the rules.

But Jan wasn’t like that. She craved rules and discipline and order. So much so that it had overshadowed everything else. Order had always come first. Before passion, before reason, before joy.

“Well you know,” Jackie paused, “you don’t have to decide right now.”

Jan looked up at her, eyes wide in confusion.“Applications are due next week I have to-”

Jackie cut her off with a shake of her head. “Who says you even have to go to college?”

The younger girl stared at her for a moment, mouth hanging open in shock, like she couldn’t believe that Jackie was actually encouraging what she was encouraging. “My parents-” 

“Oh fuck off,” Jackie scoffed. “You don’t actually care what they think.”

Jan couldn’t meet her eyes anymore, shoulders tense as she attempted to process. Her fingers were flexing unconsciously against the sheets as her mind spun, falling over itself at the idea that she had the option to take her time. 

That she didn’t have to keep running anymore. That she could finally slow down.

Jackie saw it all play out behind her eyes, and she noticed the moment that Jan shut down, not allowing herself to bask in the possibility.

She went to protest again. “Jacks-”

“You don’t have to pick your career right now,” Jackie said firmly, in that tone that always made Jan _shut up_ and actually listen to her. She wasn’t sure why she was pushing so hard, but she couldn’t stop herself, the unrelenting need to assure Jan that she was fine and she had time making her mouth move before her brain could stop it. “You’re 18. You’ve got so much time. You can take a year off, or two years off, or never fucking go to college if you don’t want to.” 

Jan still wouldn’t look at her, body still tense, mind still scattered; Jackie gently took hold one of Jan’s hands in her own, squeezing it gently in reassurance. 

“You have time to figure it all out. And you will.” Jackie smiled lightly to herself. “I know you will.”

 _Because it’s you._ She wanted to say. _Because it’s you and you’re so incredible. And nothing you ever do in your whole life can be anything less than incredible._

Jackie looked up to find Jan staring at her with soft eyes, adoration so clearly etched in the lines on her face.

“What are you staring at?” Jackie coughed awkwardly, a hand coming up to worry the skin on the back of her neck, flush spreading subconsciously. 

“Nothing.” Jan smiled, shaking her head and squeezing Jackie’s hand in hers. “It’s just… you’re gonna be a great lawyer.”

* * *

Jackie’s head hung off the side of Jan’s bed several hours later as the student body president looked through her color-coded planner, mind unfocused. Thoughts of sleep wandered through Jackie’s exhausted brain, but she forced her eyes open, meeting Jan’s even as she was upside down.

“Whatcha thinking bout?” Jackie asked her, with a lopsided grin.

“That you look silly like that,” Jan teased.

“Funny, you look normal.” 

Jan’s eyes widened comically and her mouth hung open in a show of mock offense before she proceeded to poke Jackie none too lightly in the side over and over and over again. This lead to the both of them playfully hitting at each other like children, eventually causing Jackie to fall gracelessly off the bed and onto the floor, the two old friends proceeding to collapse into a fit of giggles and eventually calling a truce as they caught their breaths.

Their laughter subsided after an immeasurable amount of time and a comfortable silence fell between the two. 

But then, Jan’s peaceful smile faltered.

“Are you thinking about her?” 

Jackie felt her shoulders tense, the sudden change of tone making goosebumps rise on her skin. “Gotta be more specific than that,” she tried and failed to joke.

“Gigi,” Jan muttered, staring intently at Jackie, eyes brimming with… something that Jackie didn’t entirely recognize. 

“Why?”

Jan shrugged. “I dunno. You were gonna go with her to Homecoming and then all of a sudden you weren’t.”

Jackie looked at Jan hard for a moment, unsure of where this line of questioning was coming from, and not sure she wanted to find out where it was going, as Jan’s stare was blank and unassuming - a dramatic deviation from her usual bubbly self. 

Jackie shook her head as if to communicate that it wasn’t a big deal. “She wanted to go with someone else. It wasn’t a set in stone kinda thing. We were only going as friends.”

You knew that. Jackie wanted to say. 

Because Jan _had_ known that. Had known both of them for her whole life and not once had she… made this connection before.

The student body president nodded slowly, almost as if weighing Jackie’s answer. “So you don’t…” Jan paused, choosing her next words carefully, “have... _feelings_ for her?”

Jackie felt something unpleasant settle in her stomach. Something that felt quite a bit like anger. 

They didn’t talk about this.

Not about boys, or girls, or attraction in general. Jan always had Bryce and Jackie always kept her mouth shut. 

“Why?” Jackie tried to keep her voice level, and not let the selfish, angry part of herself lash out. 

“I’m just curious.” Jan shrugged, detached tone still making Jackie uneasy. “You never tell me about girls you like, and you and Gigi were all over each other at Widow’s birthday.”

Suddenly, the remaining pieces fell into place. 

“So were you and Jaida,” Jackie shot back before she could think better of it.

Jan immediately shrunk in on herself, as if Jackie’s words had been physical blows. “That was different.” 

Jackie laughed bitterly, the pooling disgust in her gut brimming to the surface. She raised one eyebrow pointedly, making unyielding eye contact with Jan. “Was it?”

Suddenly Jan was much closer than Jackie remembered her being, and she must have sat up or something because she could feel Jan’s labored breathing against her face now. 

And just as suddenly as she noticed it, Jan was leaning across the small space between them to press her lips firmly, decidedly against Jackie’s. 

Jackie’s entire body froze, suspended a freefall for several seconds.

The change from anger to elation was so sudden, so consuming, that her whole body felt aflame.

After a beat, her brain slowly kicked back online and she began to move her mouth in time with Jan’s bruising kisses.

Jan tasted like coffee and sunshine and a familiarity that made Jackie’s spine tingle. And Jackie didn’t know how she had gone so long without tasting her. 

The kiss turned slow, lazy almost, as the two old friends lingered in each other’s space long after they had come up for air. 

But when the student body president pulled away, there was something decidedly less joyful in her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Jan started to apologize.

Jackie smiled lightly. “It’s okay.”

Jan kept shaking her head back and forth quickly, anxiety creeping into her words.“No, I mean… I shouldn’t have done that. I… I wanted to see if… I thought maybe-”

Jackie reached out with a gentle hand to brush a stray lock of hair out of Jan’s face, but the younger flinched back like the contact burned, and the sick feeling in Jackie’s stomach was back, threatening to suffocate her. 

“Take your time, it’s okay,” A rejected Jackie nearly whispered.

Jan just kept shaking her head, letting out a puff of air through her nose. “It’s really not.”

Jackie looked at her, really looked at her for a moment, waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

It finally came in the form of Jan’s teary eyes meeting Jackie’s.

 _I’m sorry._ They said without words.

And suddenly it hit her what exactly Jan was apologizing for.

“You… you don’t like me like that. Do you?” Jackie said slowly, allowing each of the words to drift from the back of her tongue and fall off her lips coldly. 

Jan met her eyes again, lip held tightly between her two perfect rows of teeth, and shook her head. 

Jackie nodded. “It’s _Jaida_ , isn’t it?” she couldn’t keep the disgust out of her mouth.

Jan hesitated, freezing up for a beat before giving in and nodding minutely.

The silence was back, heavy now in the wake of Jan’s admissions.

And then suddenly, all the years of repressed feelings came bubbling to the surface, and Jackie was helpless to stop the anger from winning out this time.

“Why didn’t you tell me? What, you didn’t think I’d _understand_? Didn't think I could _handle_ it?” She spat.

Jan shook her head, helpless. “I didn’t know how to-”

“You didn’t even fucking come out to me! I didn’t know you liked girls, I had to use fucking context clues!”

“I didn’t know how to tell you it was someone else.” Jan rushed out. “I always thought, if it were going to be anyone, I thought it’d be you...” she shook her head sadly. “But it’s not and I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know how to tell myself.”

“So what, you just fucking kissed me for what?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Yeah, well, you fucking failed”

Jackie, vision blurry in a mix of rage and hurt, started grabbing her school materials and shoving them blindly into her bag.

Jan tried to stop her. “Jacks-”

“Don’t.” The ice in Jackie’s voice shut Jan up immediately, the younger girl sinking back into her position on the bedroom floor.

Jackie made her way to the door, silently fuming to herself. She only stopped when she heard Jan’s meek voice from behind her.

“I’m sorry. I wanted it to be you.”

Jackie laughed bitterly, facing the door to hide the tears threatening to spill over. “You can’t help who you like, Jan.”

* * *

Jan’s words echoed in Jackie’s head as she fled the house. 

_“I wanted it to be you.”_

_Me too._ Jackie thought. _Me fucking too._

She wanted to be angry. So much so that she convinced herself she was. Cursing Jan’s name under her breath, wishing they’d never met in the first place.

But as soon as the chill of the October air hit her skin, she felt the tears fall. She was helpless to stop them, so she didn’t try to.

As she wandered around the familiar houses of their neighborhood, all dark save for the one at the start of the road, she let the past years of fear and regret and sadness fall from her eyes.

She sat under the flickering streetlamp at the start of their street, ignoring the way the harsh sidewalk rubbed rough against her clothes.

_“I wanted it to be you.”_

_“I wanted it to be you.”_

_“I wanted it to be you.”_

The words circling around and around and around in her head like a merry go round. 

It would be so much simpler. So much cleaner and nicer and _easier_ if Jan could just love her back. Could force herself to settle for someone as plain and boring and utterly inferior as Jackie.

It would be easier. And it wouldn’t hurt so much. 

Because even if she did, even if Jan could love her, Jackie would always know that she wasn’t good enough. And it would hurt, but it would be fine because at least she could be mostly happy. And it would only hurt in that quiet, burning kind of way that you only ever felt if you moved a certain way.

Yes, it would be easier that way.

But Jackie couldn’t ask her to do that. 

But maybe...

Just maybe...

She could ask someone else.

Before Jackie could think it through, she was across the street knocking loudly on the only other house with a light in the window.

She waited impatiently, leg bouncing up and down, rapping once again on the door until it swung open revealing a mostly tired, slightly surprised Gigi.

Jackie didn’t think, she just pulled Gigi in by her hips and angled her head to capture her lips in a kiss that felt like a lie. 

Gigi let out a surprised yelp a first, then froze as Jackie’s lips moved passionately against her own. But Jackie didn’t let up, only doubling down on her efforts, channeling everything she couldn’t say to Jan into Gigi’s mouth.

Ultimately, the younger girl melted, kissing back cautiously if not a bit demurely.

When Jackie finally relented, letting Gigi up for lungfuls of air, she couldn’t help the satisfied feeling pooling in her gut. 

Gigi stared at her, wide eyes showing a mixture of shock and awe and a tiny bit of desire.

“Y-You don’t want me,” she finally managed to say.

It was only then that Jackie noticed her red eyes. 

She had been crying too.

_What a pair they made._

“I’m so sick of people telling me what I want,” Jackie whispered. “I want you. I want to be with you.”

Gigi looked at her hard, gnawing at her bottom lip. 

After a beat, she nodded. 

Gigi still looked nervous, like Jackie was going to take it all back and change her mind, but Jackie was too high off of the intoxicating mix of desire and anger and pain.

She pulled Gigi into another bruising kiss and pretended she tasted like coffee.


End file.
